{"version":"1.0","provider_name":"Erica Avesian","provider_url":"http:\/\/ericathewritingqueen.wordpress.com","author_name":"eavesian","author_url":"http:\/\/ericathewritingqueen.wordpress.com\/author\/eavesian\/","title":"Final Project Peer Feedback","type":"link","html":"

Below you will find some peer critiques for my final capstone project. I really appreciated the feedback from my classmates because it helped me realize what parts of my memoir needed the most work.<\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/h2>\n

\"evolutionfeedback\"<\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Katie Brown<\/em><\/p>\n

I like what you have started here! You did a nice job in your introduction of setting up why you were telling the stories you were telling and what greater significance they have to you and what you hope other people get out of them.\u00a0 I tried to address most of your concerns with your paper in the margins on your draft, but I\u2019ll reiterate a lot of them here.<\/p>\n

I noticed a strong social media theme in your paper which you may or may not have intended to do, but you mention Tinder, Pinterest, Instagram, and Facebook. I thought in the beginning of your piece when you are talking about wanting to live a life full of \u201clove, laughter, and pink frosted cupcakes\u201d you could include something about all the blogs online that look exactly like this and consequently make young 20-something women feel like we should also be doing yoga while walking our Yorkies and making spinach smoothies with our young professional girlfriends and doing active date things like hiking with our shiny, new boyfriends. That being said, I think you do an excellent job of making your stories relatable to college age girls and an easy read.<\/p>\n

In regards to your comment on your draft about the tone of the first section of your piece, I don\u2019t think that it\u2019s not<\/i> working, I just don\u2019t think it\u2019s as effective as it could be. What I mean is that I think the more serious side is kind of lost because of the small magnitude of the incidences you describe that worry you and cloud your thoughts every day. I think either mentioning some heavier stuff that has worried you (from the past or about your future) or just admitting that you are cognizant of the fact that this stuff seems superficial, but it is still a big part of your life will help you establish that credibility.<\/p>\n

Along the same lines with tone, there is one place in your last story where I feel like there may be two different tones competing. In the paragraph where you talk about first entering a sorority house and what that feels like you start to assume the same sort of judgmental tone that you accused the Greek life girls of having when you say you saw a bunch of pretty girls and then a ginger hiding under the stairway. I mean the imagery is pretty striking, but I don\u2019t know which tone you want to be dominant there\u2026<\/p>\n

Just a few other questions I have in regards to your project: how many stories do you plan on having? Are you going to have a conclusion piece to wrap everything up? Something that\u2019s like Aesop\u2019s Fables where they end with the \u201chere\u2019s the moral of the story\u2026\u201d might be kind of cool and effective here for your paper. Good start and let me know if you have any questions!<\/p>\n

Andrew Schwartz<\/em><\/p>\n

I Kiss Better than I Cook<\/span><\/p>\n

I really loved the story and found myself chuckling as I read.\u00a0 I also think that this essay fits seamlessly with the \u201cthemes\u201d you are aiming to focus your project around (as you mentioned in your email).\u00a0 As far as my suggestions\/comments go, I think that the beginning works very well to juxtapose you\u2014and your cooking abilities\u2014against the rest of your family. Consider dragging this part out a bit with some more details, though.\u00a0 Who comprises the rest of your family (i.e. brothers, sisters, etc.)?\u00a0 Are they older or younger?\u00a0 What dishes do the rest of your family readily make well?\u00a0 And, moreover, what does this all mean to you and your story? Lastly here, I think that your \u201cbullet points\u201d at the end of the draft (as further points of analysis) are fantastic\u2014especially the idea of \u201cnot giving yourself a chance.\u201d\u00a0 What if you inserted these analytical points throughout the essay?\u00a0 Say at times when things go awry (e.g. cutting yourself, burning the tortillas, etc.)?<\/p>\n

Mr. Right, Where are You?<\/span><\/p>\n

Hilarious.\u00a0 Even as a male reading this, I can\u2014in some way\u2014relate it to my own failed relationships.\u00a0 Your analytical paragraph at the end is great, and I especially enjoyed the part where you say, \u201cThe courtship of yesteryear is completely nonexistent.\u201d\u00a0 I liked it so much so that I wanted more.\u00a0 <\/i>What was the courtship of yesteryear?\u00a0 Why do you want that so badly? As far as some other suggestions go: (and I know this first one is a bit picky) in the first paragraph, it was initially a bit confusing as to when Rick\u2019s Army Boy took you to the dive bar.\u00a0 Also, even though you weren\u2019t actually \u201cin love,\u201d it comes off as you let him sleep over begrudgingly and against some part of your \u201cwill.\u201d\u00a0 This is a necessary side of the story (as there definitely is truth to it), but consider playing up the other side of you actually wanting<\/i> him to sleep over. Maybe throw in some of the thoughts that went through your head?\u00a0 Some text messages sent back and forth? Also, because this is a shorter essay, consider moving some of your more analytical conclusions to the forefront (maybe in the very beginning)?\u00a0 Then maybe transition into the actual story?\u00a0 Just a thought\u2026\u00a0 Great stuff, though!<\/p>\n

Rumor Has it (We\u2019re All a Little Bit Crazy) <\/span><\/p>\n

Well done, once again.\u00a0 I really like this story and, after growing up in a small suburb of Detroit, I can relate to the fact that parents eventually get involved everywhere.\u00a0 I also really like the theme of \u201chaving thicker skin\u201d and \u201cknowing when to let things go.\u201d\u00a0 Suggestions: I know this is just a draft, but what if you inserted the thoughts that you have now into <\/i>the story?\u00a0 As in, having known what you know now (re: thicker skin), what would you have done differently <\/i>or thought differently. <\/i>Also, more nitpicky things: I think it could be useful to slide your paragraph about Mrs. F (that starts with, \u201cPreviously, Mrs. F\u2026\u201d) into the argument scene itself.\u00a0 This could provide some helpful context for the story and Mrs. F as a person.\u00a0 Also, although your description of the argument is great, I think it could be beneficial to make it clearer that Courtney is standing right there, next to her mother. Kind of a funny detail that I missed until I re-read it!<\/p>\n

Okay so all of these stories\u2014by nature\u2014are <\/i>relatable.\u00a0 And I don\u2019t know if you need an overarching theme right now (it may actually become more clear as you continue to write). Or what if each individual essay had its own <\/i>theme.\u00a0 Like a book of lessons, in a way?<\/p>\n

Let me know if you have any further questions or want to talk some more.<\/p>\n

Skylar Elisberg<\/em><\/p>\n

Writing this critique is a little bit awkward at this stage, solely because I know very little about the specific details and aspirations of your project. With that in mind some of my comments or advice may not be relevant, or may seem out of place, because I guessed at the purpose and the intended audience. To start, I would like to say that your piece was very easy to read, and for a reader, especially in this context of a memoir, that was very appealing. I enjoyed your tone and inflections throughout, and could definitely tell that these stories had a personal twinge and backbone. For the most part, I thought that this was a very solid first draft. I also do have a couple questions and suggestions for improvement for the next iteration. What is the overall purpose of these essays? This probably arises from my limited experience with memoirs, but is this supposed to be a portrayal of different life events, to allow the reader to see your experiences? Or are they supposed to be an overarching reflection of your life\u2019s events, which come to broader life lessons? If it is the latter, I think you may want to spend more time at the end of each individual story and give a summation\/ reflection on your feelings now, possibly even juxtaposing with your feelings back then. A couple of the stories, especially \u201cI kiss better than I cook\u201d felt like they had very abrupt endings, and as the reader I was left longing for more information, to complete the thought process. I didn\u2019t know if this should be a reflection or a moral of the story, but something to tie it back into your introductory paragraphs, may be effective.<\/p>\n

I also have some general advice for enhancing your scene portrayals. One of the best Writing professors once said that there are two crucial aspects of in scene writing, that separate the most successful: an overwhelming amount of details, and the use of strong, active verbs. I noticed portions of the essays where stronger verbs would really illustrate your scenes more graphically, and possibly improve the writing. I also noticed the use of passive voice at times, and think that replacing these instances with strong, active verbs will strengthen the work.<\/p>\n

I realize this is a first draft, so many of my suggestions may be filled naturally with the revisionary process, but I think that this is a very good start and has the potential to develop into something very interesting.<\/p>\n","thumbnail_url":"http:\/\/i0.wp.com\/ericathewritingqueen.files.wordpress.com\/2013\/04\/evolutionfeedback.png?fit=440%2C330","thumbnail_height":null,"thumbnail_width":null}