Final Project Peer Feedback

Below you will find some peer critiques for my final capstone project. I really appreciated the feedback from my classmates because it helped me realize what parts of my memoir needed the most work.

evolutionfeedback

Katie Brown

I like what you have started here! You did a nice job in your introduction of setting up why you were telling the stories you were telling and what greater significance they have to you and what you hope other people get out of them.  I tried to address most of your concerns with your paper in the margins on your draft, but I’ll reiterate a lot of them here.

I noticed a strong social media theme in your paper which you may or may not have intended to do, but you mention Tinder, Pinterest, Instagram, and Facebook. I thought in the beginning of your piece when you are talking about wanting to live a life full of “love, laughter, and pink frosted cupcakes” you could include something about all the blogs online that look exactly like this and consequently make young 20-something women feel like we should also be doing yoga while walking our Yorkies and making spinach smoothies with our young professional girlfriends and doing active date things like hiking with our shiny, new boyfriends. That being said, I think you do an excellent job of making your stories relatable to college age girls and an easy read.

In regards to your comment on your draft about the tone of the first section of your piece, I don’t think that it’s not working, I just don’t think it’s as effective as it could be. What I mean is that I think the more serious side is kind of lost because of the small magnitude of the incidences you describe that worry you and cloud your thoughts every day. I think either mentioning some heavier stuff that has worried you (from the past or about your future) or just admitting that you are cognizant of the fact that this stuff seems superficial, but it is still a big part of your life will help you establish that credibility.

Along the same lines with tone, there is one place in your last story where I feel like there may be two different tones competing. In the paragraph where you talk about first entering a sorority house and what that feels like you start to assume the same sort of judgmental tone that you accused the Greek life girls of having when you say you saw a bunch of pretty girls and then a ginger hiding under the stairway. I mean the imagery is pretty striking, but I don’t know which tone you want to be dominant there…

Just a few other questions I have in regards to your project: how many stories do you plan on having? Are you going to have a conclusion piece to wrap everything up? Something that’s like Aesop’s Fables where they end with the “here’s the moral of the story…” might be kind of cool and effective here for your paper. Good start and let me know if you have any questions!

Andrew Schwartz

I Kiss Better than I Cook

I really loved the story and found myself chuckling as I read.  I also think that this essay fits seamlessly with the “themes” you are aiming to focus your project around (as you mentioned in your email).  As far as my suggestions/comments go, I think that the beginning works very well to juxtapose you—and your cooking abilities—against the rest of your family. Consider dragging this part out a bit with some more details, though.  Who comprises the rest of your family (i.e. brothers, sisters, etc.)?  Are they older or younger?  What dishes do the rest of your family readily make well?  And, moreover, what does this all mean to you and your story? Lastly here, I think that your “bullet points” at the end of the draft (as further points of analysis) are fantastic—especially the idea of “not giving yourself a chance.”  What if you inserted these analytical points throughout the essay?  Say at times when things go awry (e.g. cutting yourself, burning the tortillas, etc.)?

Mr. Right, Where are You?

Hilarious.  Even as a male reading this, I can—in some way—relate it to my own failed relationships.  Your analytical paragraph at the end is great, and I especially enjoyed the part where you say, “The courtship of yesteryear is completely nonexistent.”  I liked it so much so that I wanted more.  What was the courtship of yesteryear?  Why do you want that so badly? As far as some other suggestions go: (and I know this first one is a bit picky) in the first paragraph, it was initially a bit confusing as to when Rick’s Army Boy took you to the dive bar.  Also, even though you weren’t actually “in love,” it comes off as you let him sleep over begrudgingly and against some part of your “will.”  This is a necessary side of the story (as there definitely is truth to it), but consider playing up the other side of you actually wanting him to sleep over. Maybe throw in some of the thoughts that went through your head?  Some text messages sent back and forth? Also, because this is a shorter essay, consider moving some of your more analytical conclusions to the forefront (maybe in the very beginning)?  Then maybe transition into the actual story?  Just a thought…  Great stuff, though!

Rumor Has it (We’re All a Little Bit Crazy)

Well done, once again.  I really like this story and, after growing up in a small suburb of Detroit, I can relate to the fact that parents eventually get involved everywhere.  I also really like the theme of “having thicker skin” and “knowing when to let things go.”  Suggestions: I know this is just a draft, but what if you inserted the thoughts that you have now into the story?  As in, having known what you know now (re: thicker skin), what would you have done differently or thought differently. Also, more nitpicky things: I think it could be useful to slide your paragraph about Mrs. F (that starts with, “Previously, Mrs. F…”) into the argument scene itself.  This could provide some helpful context for the story and Mrs. F as a person.  Also, although your description of the argument is great, I think it could be beneficial to make it clearer that Courtney is standing right there, next to her mother. Kind of a funny detail that I missed until I re-read it!

Okay so all of these stories—by nature—are relatable.  And I don’t know if you need an overarching theme right now (it may actually become more clear as you continue to write). Or what if each individual essay had its own theme.  Like a book of lessons, in a way?

Let me know if you have any further questions or want to talk some more.

Skylar Elisberg

Writing this critique is a little bit awkward at this stage, solely because I know very little about the specific details and aspirations of your project. With that in mind some of my comments or advice may not be relevant, or may seem out of place, because I guessed at the purpose and the intended audience. To start, I would like to say that your piece was very easy to read, and for a reader, especially in this context of a memoir, that was very appealing. I enjoyed your tone and inflections throughout, and could definitely tell that these stories had a personal twinge and backbone. For the most part, I thought that this was a very solid first draft. I also do have a couple questions and suggestions for improvement for the next iteration. What is the overall purpose of these essays? This probably arises from my limited experience with memoirs, but is this supposed to be a portrayal of different life events, to allow the reader to see your experiences? Or are they supposed to be an overarching reflection of your life’s events, which come to broader life lessons? If it is the latter, I think you may want to spend more time at the end of each individual story and give a summation/ reflection on your feelings now, possibly even juxtaposing with your feelings back then. A couple of the stories, especially “I kiss better than I cook” felt like they had very abrupt endings, and as the reader I was left longing for more information, to complete the thought process. I didn’t know if this should be a reflection or a moral of the story, but something to tie it back into your introductory paragraphs, may be effective.

I also have some general advice for enhancing your scene portrayals. One of the best Writing professors once said that there are two crucial aspects of in scene writing, that separate the most successful: an overwhelming amount of details, and the use of strong, active verbs. I noticed portions of the essays where stronger verbs would really illustrate your scenes more graphically, and possibly improve the writing. I also noticed the use of passive voice at times, and think that replacing these instances with strong, active verbs will strengthen the work.

I realize this is a first draft, so many of my suggestions may be filled naturally with the revisionary process, but I think that this is a very good start and has the potential to develop into something very interesting.

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