{"version":"1.0","provider_name":"Wordnatomy","provider_url":"http:\/\/wordnatomy.wordpress.com","author_name":"fizzl","author_url":"http:\/\/wordnatomy.wordpress.com\/author\/fizzl\/","title":"Goodbye","type":"link","html":"
The following is a personal narrative written during my English 125 course. \u00a0It is not only the first piece I wrote for college, but also the one I chose to re-purpose for our re-purposing assignment.<\/strong><\/p>\n I remember a few months ago things between my sister, Marishka, and her boyfriend, Craig, had been a bit shaky.\u00a0 This was sometime in early or mid-spring.\u00a0 My sister was spending a lot of time with her other friend, Jason.\u00a0 I felt bad for Craig.\u00a0 He\u2019d always been great to her.\u00a0 He\u2019d stuck by my sister through more than I would ever have if I were in his shoes.\u00a0 I really hoped it was just a short thing; that Jason would just be another snag in my sister\u2019s always-screwed-up life.\u00a0 Turns out that wasn\u2019t the case.\u00a0 As much as I would have loved to sit down with my sister, talk some sense into her, and leave her and Craig happy together, that wasn\u2019t my sister.\u00a0 If she was going to do something, she was going to do it.\u00a0 There wasn\u2019t a whole lot you could do to talk \u201csense\u201d into her.\u00a0 Half the time I wasn\u2019t even sure \u201csense\u201d was in her vocabulary.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n My sister was one of those people who would see a man smoking near his newborn baby and feel the need to tell him off.\u00a0 He was clearly doing something wrong, so someone had to tell him, right?\u00a0 Telling her that it wasn\u2019t really her business just made her feel more inclined to say something.\u00a0 After a while I learned that it was pointless to tell her she might be wrong so I just kept my thoughts to myself most of the time and tried to apologize on her behalf to people she told off when she wasn\u2019t looking.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n She also was the \u201cI don\u2019t care what people think\u201d type, which was true a lot of the time.\u00a0 Heck, the first time she met my new girlfriend, she answered the door in nothing but a sports bra.\u00a0 Totally normal way to introduce yourself, right?\u00a0 It was for her.\u00a0 The irony was that when she wasn\u2019t around the house, she really did care what people thought.\u00a0 In reality, she was really quite beautiful, but she still wouldn\u2019t believe you if you told her \u201cYou look fine, stop worrying so much\u201d and she certainly would not take kindly to pointing out her \u201cI don\u2019t care what people think of me\u201d philosophy.\u00a0 You had to let her decide she was ready to go out, since trying to tell her she looked great was a moot point anyways.\u00a0 So when it came to her and her relationships, I just stuck with it and let her live her life, trying not to let it affect me too much or let myself blow up at her in a righteous speech about what she was doing wrong.\u00a0 I just stuck with it.<\/em><\/p>\n I remember a little while into her Craig\/Jason situation, she did a nice job of throwing me right into the middle of things – exactly where I didn\u2019t want to be.\u00a0 I was in the kitchen, making some sort of food or another and she walked in.\u00a0 We did our own thing, not saying much for a minute or two, but then she asked a question. \u201cDo you think it\u2019s possible to be in love with two people at once?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n She\u2019s going to fuck everything up.<\/p>\n I sighed, kept that thought to myself, and gave the most honest answer I could without setting her off.\u00a0 \u201cMaybe it is.\u00a0 But you have a good thing with Craig.\u00a0 You don\u2019t want to mess that up.\u201d\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember what she said to that, but I do remember how in the long run, it didn\u2019t really affect any of her actions.\u00a0 Typical Marishka.<\/em><\/p>\n Fast forward a bit.\u00a0 It\u2019s sometime in June.\u00a0 My sister and Craig have broken up.\u00a0 Now things with Jason are getting more serious.\u00a0 My sister is talking about the future with Jason and about their wedding.\u00a0 She\u2019s moving her stuff into his house.\u00a0 They even got a dog.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Seriously, what the Hell are you doing, Marishka?<\/p>\n To her credit, she did seem happy – very happy actually.\u00a0 But to me and to most of the family, she just seemed like a teenager in the \u201choneymoon phase\u201d of dating; love-struck and in love with all the temporary ecstasies Jason gave her that she never had with Craig.\u00a0 That\u2019s the best background I can give before the first chain in a series of horrible events began; my sister was happy, she and her new loser-boyfriend were loving life, and despite upsets with the family here and again, we all somehow got over it and moved on.<\/em><\/p>\n Now it\u2019s the middle of summer.\u00a0 The end of July, to be exact.\u00a0 I\u2019m sitting at my computer, about to play a game with a friend.\u00a0 That\u2019s when my mom came in.\u00a0 \u201cMichael, Jason called.\u00a0 Your sister is in the hospital.\u201d\u00a0 Now, my sister had been in the hospital before, so this didn\u2019t \u201cshock\u201d me as much as it might shock anyone else who had just been told his\/her sister was just admitted to the hospital.\u00a0 It still worried me though.\u00a0 But despite being worried, I remember thinking that this would just be another one of those times.\u00a0 She\u2019s in for something-or-other, she gets over it, she goes back home.\u00a0 I thought it would all be okay.\u00a0 What is it they say about ignorance and bliss?\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n I spent that first night in the hospital, sitting on a couch in the waiting room.\u00a0 I wanted to text someone about it, but I didn\u2019t really know who to text, or what I would even say.\u00a0 After all, I still didn\u2019t really think it would end up being serious.\u00a0 I continued to think this for a little while longer.\u00a0 A day or two later, on the way back home from another visit, I remember texting my girlfriend about it.\u00a0 She asked if I was okay and I remembering telling her that I was fine, still not too shaken by the whole ordeal.\u00a0 Still sure my sister would wake up.<\/em><\/p>\n I don\u2019t remember how long my sister was actually in that hospital.\u00a0 One week?\u00a0 A week and a half?\u00a0 Two weeks?\u00a0 When your day becomes a routine of waking up, getting ready, driving to the hospital, and just pining away time, you begin to lose track of when it really is.\u00a0 That was how it felt for me.\u00a0 At a certain point, it started to seem unlikely she would wake, but nothing was official, and I kept going to the hospital, day after day.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know what to do when I got there, or how to react.\u00a0 I just knew that I should go.\u00a0 It seemed like the right thing.\u00a0 I knew how I wanted to react.\u00a0 I wanted to be super emotional.\u00a0 I wanted to cry and beg God for some miracle.\u00a0 I wanted to just lose it.\u00a0 But I didn\u2019t.\u00a0 I was quiet, stoic.\u00a0 Everyone else in my family had taken time to say something in private to my sister.\u00a0 They made a routine of talking to her, including her in conversation, and saying goodbye when they left.\u00a0 I could barely even do that.\u00a0 I always said no when my mom asked if I wanted to have a moment alone.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know what I would say, or how the words would come out.\u00a0 I may as well have been a mute.\u00a0 It went on that way pretty much every time I visited her.<\/em><\/p>\n There is a date that sticks in my head though.\u00a0 I think it was the first time reality actually hit me. \u00a0It was August 1st, and I was getting ready for my friend\u2019s graduation party.\u00a0 I was in the kitchen, and my dad came in to tell me that my mom wasn\u2019t doing so well because the most recent tests showed that my sister was – more or less – brain dead.\u00a0 She wasn\u2019t going to recover.\u00a0 That was the first time it really hit me.\u00a0 I was in pretty much the same place I\u2019d been a few months ago when I\u2019d had a conversation with my sister telling her not to mess things up, and I was hearing about how I\u2019d never have a conversation with her again.\u00a0 About anything.\u00a0 And then it all hit me.\u00a0 Everything.\u00a0 As soon as my dad was out of earshot, I burst into tears.\u00a0 Standing there in the kitchen, making my coffee like I always do, and crying.<\/em><\/p>\n You got what you wanted: real tears. \u00a0Now you\u2019re going to look like a mess at the party.<\/p>\n After that, I still kept up my visits.\u00a0 Kept up my stoicism when I was around her.\u00a0 Kept up the same routine.\u00a0 But things were different outside of the hospital now.\u00a0 When I was by myself, I was feeling exactly the way I\u2019d wanted to feel a few weeks ago.\u00a0 Once it hits you, it doesn\u2019t stop hitting you.<\/em><\/p>\n It wasn\u2019t too much later that they couldn\u2019t treat her anymore at the hospital.\u00a0 When someone in her condition is \u201cstable\u201d the hospital won\u2019t keep them around to die.\u00a0 They\u2019ll give them to you and hope you can handle the treatment on your own.\u00a0 So there we were.\u00a0 Left with a bunch of equipment, a small, former-computer room to try to keep it all in, and my sister slowly passing away.<\/em><\/p>\n My mother and grandmother took shifts taking care of her.\u00a0 My mom would make sure nothing happened during the day, my grandma doing the same at night.\u00a0 We all knew what was going to happen, but we wanted it done in whatever way was least painful for my sister.\u00a0 It took my mom a while to accept that this meant taking her off of foods, but it happened eventually.<\/em><\/p>\n So that was my life for a while.\u00a0 I started school at the end of August, but I still called every day and came home on weekends.\u00a0 Those nights I was home, I remember going downstairs at night time just to keep my grandma company.\u00a0 There was something oddly calming about it.\u00a0 It was sad, yes; but being in the room with my back to the big window exposing the open night, the house completely quiet, save for the sound of the breathing machine helping my sister, and my grandma there being as supportive and caring as she\u2019d always been, it was a nice calm amidst all the chaos happening.<\/em><\/p>\n That was the last weekend I had expected to be home for a while.\u00a0 Between football games, homework, and studying for exams, I didn\u2019t expect to be home until almost October.\u00a0 I remember telling my little brothers I\u2019d be gone at school and wouldn\u2019t see them for another three weeks.\u00a0 All my mother could do was look at me and grimly say, \u201cYou\u2019ll be home sooner than that.\u201d\u00a0 She knew my sister didn\u2019t have long, and I knew she was right \u2013 we all did – but it still stung to hear.<\/em><\/p>\n As the days passed, my sister\u2019s condition got worse and worse.\u00a0 I wanted to make it to the weekend after my first exam.\u00a0 I wanted to go home when I was \u201csupposed to.\u201d\u00a0 Just wanted to make it that long.\u00a0 I half-expected to get a call in the morning or the middle of the day or sometime when I wouldn\u2019t be able to handle it and be told that she had passed.\u00a0 But by all accounts, my sister wasn\u2019t done yet.\u00a0 Some of the hired nurses kept asking if she was waiting for someone.\u00a0 My family insisted she wanted to say goodbye to me before she left.\u00a0 At some point – right before my exam – my mom told me I should come home before the weekend.\u00a0 That I needed to come home.\u00a0 So that was it then.\u00a0 It was going to happen in a few days.<\/em><\/p>\n No pressure, Michael, but after your big exam, you\u2019re going to need to go home and say goodbye to your sister forever, mmk?<\/p>\n That was a Wednesday night.\u00a0 September 29th<\/sup>.\u00a0 I took my exam, hardly caring about what I got on it, and then I went home.\u00a0 Tonight, I would have to find a way to say something to my sister \u2013 no, not just \u201csomething,\u201d but everything I wanted to say to her before she was gone.\u00a0 Gone forever.\u00a0 I got home and situated myself, and then I sat with my sister and my mom for a little while.\u00a0 But after so long, I got tired.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t even that late, 11pm maybe.\u00a0 I felt kind of pathetic.<\/em><\/p>\n She\u2019s going to die soon and all you can do is go to bed?<\/p>\n But I was tired, and I couldn\u2019t take much more of the waiting.\u00a0 I told my mom that I was going to go to bed soon, and she told me I should say goodbye to my sister.\u00a0 This was it.<\/em><\/p>\n I\u2019d really expected that moment to be sad.\u00a0 For me to be balling my eyes out, barely able to speak to my sister.\u00a0 But I didn\u2019t.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t say much \u2013 I hardly knew what to say \u2013 but I was finally able to be honest with my sister; finally able to give her sincere thoughts that I could never muster before:\u00a0 \u201cI love you, Marishka.\u00a0 But I want you to know it\u2019s okay to go.\u00a0 You were a great sister, I hope you know that…\u201d – Somehow I even managed to throw in a joke – \u201cI\u2019ll be sure to party it up in college, just for you.\u00a0 I love you, Marishka\u2026goodbye.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n"}