Why I Write
I don’t write for the same reason that many others do—because pretty words come to mind that cannot go unwritten or because the scene at the coffee shop from earlier that morning was so inspiring or even because there is a little journal always within reach that begs to be written in. No, I write primarily because I have to. A professor assigns a literary analysis essay? No problem. An application asks why I am applying to such a program? I’ll do it.
I think for me the more interesting thing is not why I write, but how I write and why I like it. I’m a different kind of writer than a lot of the people who are typically thought of as writers. I tend to focus more on how things are said, as opposed to what is actually said. The actual construction of writing interests me. The structure of a sentence can exist in so many forms, and each can emphasize different points to alter the meaning ever so slightly each time. One word can make or break the emotion a sentence carries, and one phrase can stick with a reader for minutes, even days, and if it’s really spectacular, for life.
Unfortunately, these magical phrases don’t spill onto journal pages while I’m curled up under some cozy tree writing just for fun. I don’t write for fun. I do think writing is fun, though. But because words come to me slowly and deliberately, I write best after I’ve had time to plan what I want to say.
For this reason, free writing stresses me out. Whenever a teacher says “Let’s do some free writing,” even for five minutes, panic sets in. The worst is when people share what they wrote. I always find myself wondering “How on earth did they come up with that in five minutes? How did they write that so fast?” When I write, I need to plan first. I have to be creating some kind of argument or analyzing some literary work to feel at home with my writing. A lot of times I use planning as a way to procrastinate actually starting, but I justify this to myself because technically it is still productive. This has helped to push me even farther into requiring extensive planning before feeling comfortable starting writing.
I can’t just start writing on a whim because I am afraid to commit to what I’m putting down with so little thought. Spoken words disappear into the air, but written words must be deleted. Deliberately removed, backspaced or erased.
The very worst kind of free writing is when the directions are something along the lines of “Write about whatever you want.” Without some kind of prompt or guide or question to answer, I sit and stare at a blank computer screen. The cursor blinks at me like cats blink at you when they are asking “What do you want?” and I look at the screen not really knowing what I want. I guess I want my ideas to shape into words and then into sentences that make sense to others even if they don’t make complete sense to me.
Sentence structure, wording, and punctuation are what make sense to me. I guess you could say that I write for these things. I write because I like to manipulate how things appear on the page. I’ll move this idea next to this other one, and push this other idea over into the next paragraph. Then I’ll make one sentence really long, almost to the point of letting it ramble, but reigned in just enough to keep my readers sane and to get my message across. Then I’ll throw in a short sentence. This is why I write, for these things. But even still, I only do this once I’ve been told I have to create some piece of writing, so this brings it all back to me only writing because I have to.