Modesty or Secrecy? The Costs of Being Modest in Close Relationships

Abstract

Modesty is regarded positively in social life, yet how it is evaluated by the person toward whom the modest behavior is directed and how it functions in close relationships has seldom been examined. In eleven studies, I examine how modest behavior can result in negative consequences in close relationships, possibly because modest behavior violates relational and conversational norms unique to close relationships. First, in Chapter 1, I provide an overview of how modesty is generally perceived, and how it may function differently and uniquely in the context of close relationships. In Chapter 2, I examine the perceptions of the actors who engage in modest behavior. In Studies 1 and 2ab, I find that modest individuals are less likely to disclose positive, personal news to their close friends when a relevant opportunity exists, out of a concern to not appear boastful. In Studies 3abc, I find that modest non-disclosure may be reflective of a latent individual difference. In Chapter 3, I examine the consequences of modest behavior on the recipients. In Studies 4 – 6, I find that this modest non-disclosure results in negative reactions on the part of the close friend if they later find out about the positive news through an external source, especially if they have high expectations of self-disclosure in close relationships. Critically, modest individuals misperceive this negative reaction; they tend to believe that their close friends would react more positively if they were to find out through means other than direct disclosure. In Studies 7ab, I find that individuals typically recognize that their friends may not disclose out of modesty concerns, but this realization does not attenuate the negative outcomes. Finally, in Chapter 4, I discuss why despite the generally positive perceptions of modesty, being modest with close friends can decrease trust and liking in close relationships.